I think I have the Baby lust...
I have had so many moments lately of feeling sad that I could be done having babies... I might not have any more...and not knowing whether I should be done or not.
Now don't gasp and yell at me about "being done." Yes, I'm open to life and whatever God wants to give us, and no, I'm not contracepting. That said, it's complicated, and another baby would involve a conscious decision on our parts and some preparation, so in that respect there's no room for the element of surprise.
I've got some health issues, and medication issues, and pregnancy complication issues, and that makes it a little, well, complicated. You have no idea how much I wish I would get some handwriting on the wall: "Jen, it's DAD. I have another one for you." Or, "Jen, it's DAD. Stay on your meds... no more babies."
But it doesn't work that way. Which means we wonder, and we pray, and we get all misty-eyed thinking that we might not have any more tiny fingers to count.
My youngest, my baby, just looks so... BIG. She's so TALL now and she doesn't look like a baby anymore. And I'm sad. What will I do without a little baby to snuggle?
I miss the smell of a newborn's head. I miss the feeling of a soft, warm, tiny baby curled up in my arm asleep.
I'm starting to feel kinda old.
Things like this just aren't easy to figure out. All we can do is pray for wisdom and walk by faith. And count my three blessings sleeping upstairs, and dream of the one we never got to meet.
Children are, indeed, an inheritance from the Lord. I don't want to miss out on anyone He's got planned... Lord, have Your way, and give us understanding.
Gonna give my girls another kiss on their sleepy heads.