07 June 2009

Babies

I think I have the Baby lust...


I have had so many moments lately of feeling sad that I could be done having babies... I might not have any more...and not knowing whether I should be done or not.

Now don't gasp and yell at me about "being done." Yes, I'm open to life and whatever God wants to give us, and no, I'm not contracepting. That said, it's complicated, and another baby would involve a conscious decision on our parts and some preparation, so in that respect there's no room for the element of surprise.

I've got some health issues, and medication issues, and pregnancy complication issues, and that makes it a little, well, complicated. You have no idea how much I wish I would get some handwriting on the wall: "Jen, it's DAD. I have another one for you." Or, "Jen, it's DAD. Stay on your meds... no more babies."

But it doesn't work that way. Which means we wonder, and we pray, and we get all misty-eyed thinking that we might not have any more tiny fingers to count.

My youngest, my baby, just looks so... BIG. She's so TALL now and she doesn't look like a baby anymore. And I'm sad. What will I do without a little baby to snuggle?

I miss the smell of a newborn's head. I miss the feeling of a soft, warm, tiny baby curled up in my arm asleep.

I'm starting to feel kinda old.

Things like this just aren't easy to figure out. All we can do is pray for wisdom and walk by faith. And count my three blessings sleeping upstairs, and dream of the one we never got to meet.

Children are, indeed, an inheritance from the Lord. I don't want to miss out on anyone He's got planned... Lord, have Your way, and give us understanding.

Gonna give my girls another kiss on their sleepy heads.

Blessings,

10 comments:

regan said...

i know that feeling all too well. and it is not a good one. but i figure as long as i am not contracepting, then it is in HIS hands and He knows what is best. our arms are always open. and with 4 already, i would gladly welcome another one. and i don't know if that feeling will ever go away because let's face it, there is something about the way those newborn heads smell that get me every.time.

Anne said...

My mom used to always tell me that you could tell if a mother was doing a good job by the way her baby smelled. If the baby smelled good, he or she had a wonderful mother! You must be a good mother that you mention how you love the way a baby smells.

You are doing all the right things in praying and asking God for understanding of His way.

God bless you! (Still waiting to hear from you about your experiences in the NICU-would that add to your baby lust? No hurry, but I bet you have some beautiful and also heart-breaking stories!)

Anne (anne.bender@aurora.org)

carmelitemom said...

Jennifer...thanks for sharing. I am going through the same exact thing right now. We have decided to remain open to life (we use NFP) at this point although I don't know what my chances are at 44 yrs. old. But we figure this is pretty much our last chance for this opportunity. I was pregnant last summer and the baby's heart stopped at 7 weeks. We have been going back and forth since. I also have med issues and am currently weaning off one of them in the event I do conceive (under my doc's supervision, of course).

This *transition* to the next phase of my life which involves no more childbearing is the most difficult transition I have ever encountered. There seems to be no consoling words to offer or ways to concretely deal with it. It really is an opportunity to open our arms wide and accept EVERYTHING from the loving hands of our Father. HE KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR US. I need that reminder constantly. That being said...there will still be a sort of *grieving* about this loss.

Sorry for hogging up the comments. Maybe I should blog about this : )
Feel free to contact me by email if you want to talk further.
theresageo@verizon.net

Dirtdartwife said...

So how would you feel to being a baby's Godmother? :)

Sharon said...

I'm totally understanding you. My youngest is eight years old, and I probably baby him a little more than I did my older two at that age. Every time I put him on my lap I feel sad because he's almost too big for that now. I'm 41, but if my husband gave the OK, I'd have another baby in a heartbeat. He's worried about our ages, the risks, etc. I know our boys would be thrilled, though! :)

Sandy at God Speaks Today said...

Well, certainly pray for God's will...and remember, God has ways of building families that don't include pregnancy. :)

I snuggled my adopted children and can identify each of my kids (adopted and bio) blindfolded by the mere scent of their heads. And one of my adopted children, I received fresh out of the oven and into my arms. Perfect for snuggling and toe-counting.

Bless you sweet friend,
Sandy

Jennie said...

My hubby and I just decided that we are done... we have 4 and I think thats all we can handle.... I totally get the baby lust thing though... its like wanting chocolate while you are on a diet...

I have tagged you... come on over and see what you gotta do....

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Love, love this post....I enjoyed reading your blog...The blog world is so new to me...

Hope you will stop by for a visit. I am posting on our Disney trip now and then on to a new grandson in two weeks..

Anonymous said...

Does grandparent lust count?? One of my closest friends just became a Grandma, courtesy of her son and daughter-in-law, and she's 10 years younger than I am (had my children late). I think "Dad" is telling me to be patient! But I definitely know what you mean. God bless.

P. Gonzalez

Lisa said...

This is us, exactly ~ age and health problems would make a pregnancy scary ~ but we leave it in God's hands, and I half hope we are "done," but still ooo and ah over our friends' infants, and feel that tug o' the heart at the thought of another dear one of our own... It's a change of seasons, but who knows that He doesn't have a seedling or more still in mind for us. Deus Vult!

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