01 May 2009

Do Over

I wish I could do this day over so that I could choose not to do the clumsy and stupid thing I did that caused someone else pain.

Someone who was already in some of the worst pain imaginable. It doesn't matter that I never intended to hurt this person - the fact is, I did. It doesn't matter that my heart is broken now with sorrow for the injury I've caused - this person's heart is broken even more.

How I wish there were words that had the power to take away the pain caused by other words.

I wish the bell could be un-rung.

I wish I could do this day over. Instead, I will have to live with the sorrow I feel, and pray that God will heal the sorrow I've caused. I will beg the Lord to clean up after my mess, and repair what I have done so badly.

This is a tough lesson. It is hard when words we think are carefully chosen still come out wrong, and still do damage we never intended. I've been on the receiving end of words like that, and now I am on the giving end. Neither end feels good.

Tonight something unexpected has happened for me as a result. A few years ago I was the subject of a nasty and insulting rumor that attempted to scandalize me and my marriage. It didn't matter that it was absurd and false, the rumor spread until it was the talk on the playground among other moms.

I have said for years that I forgive the person responsible, yet my heart has harbored the hurt and nurtured the grudge. I have wanted desperately to let it go and just not care anymore, and release this person to God in forgiveness. But it has been a real struggle, because the nature of the slander was so vile.

I have tried to focus on the greatest definition of forgiveness that I've ever heard: In Jesus' name, I set you free. You don't owe me anything anymore." That is the essence of forgiveness -- you don't owe me anything anymore.

Tonight somehow, the struggle to forgive is gone, and I no longer have resentment toward the person who slandered me. Tonight I understand all too well the damage words can do, even though I did not desire to do damage.

I have no right to ask for forgiveness if I will not extend forgiveness.

I pray that the person I hurt today will forgive me. Why does it seem we have to learn at someone else's expense?

Is there someone you're needing to forgive tonight? I hope you will. Maybe you'll spare yourself the tough lesson.



GrandmaK said...

Remember above all that God is LOVE. He loves you tenderly! Ask sincerely for forgiveness of this person. That in itself requires strength and courage. The Spirit will provide it. Then do it with humility and sincerity. You can only hope that you will be forgiven by the other. But know that by seeking forgiveness from the offended means you are asking for forgiveness of God as well. He always forgives. You also have to forgive yourself as well. When you have done all this I'm sure the healing will take place. I know because I have been there, too. You are good, you have value, God made you in his image. You are his child. He will not abandon you! Cathy

Sarah said...

I'm sorry you're so sad, Jennifer. Even in our best intentions, we can still end up saying the wrong thing and hurting someone. And to try and make up for it can take time. But I'm sure you will do everything you can to repair the relationship. I'm sure of it! I pray for you and for this person that you will find healing, peace and forgiveness very soon. May Jesus envelop you with His love and forgiveness. God bless you, Jennifer.

Sarah (JOT) said...

Geesh, don't be so hard on yourself. You have a heart of forgiveness now . . . sometimes it takes these lessons to learn them well. God grant you peace about this situation and forgive yourself. Okay? Hang in there. We strive to do the right thing all of the time, but when we don't and we realize it, we know what we need to do . . . so do it with God's love and grace.

Mrs.Pogle said...

Praying for you.
God forgives you...go to confession, and allow yourself to let it go.
God bless,
Mrs.P xx

Dirtdartwife said...

Hon, read Psalm 32.

Then pray for the person that hurt you by praying for something positive to happen in their life.

Then remember Hebrews 4:16- for it is written "Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Whomever you offended must know you're sorry and you can humbly ask their forgiveness. Otherwise, lean on God to help you through this sorrow that you feel.

And I wonder if what you're talking about is what I remember. It know it's hard to overcome something like that, especially if you didn't receive an apology. But once you place that at the foot of the Cross, it's God's issue, not yours, to hold in your heart. Remember 2 Thess 1:6-7- God will repay those that are afflicting you with afflictions, so it truly is God's problem. It's not a revenge type issue, but a problem that God truly can heal and can heal your heart from the pain and anger from that situation.

I will pray for you hon, as you struggle through this situation.

Anne said...

Jennifer, I'm sure this comment comes far too late to be much comfort to you, but you must know that we have all been and sometimes still are, in the same place as you. You are not alone. Unbearable, scathing pain and hurt that leaves scars can only be healed by Jesus. I'm going to post 2 prayers on my blog right now. I hope you find comfort in them.


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